Moving…

A very belated notice for my blog.  No, I’m not moving my blog…I’m moving my entire residence 3,000 miles back across the States to Washington.  Washington State that is.  East side this time, with a lot less rain so you don’t have to worry about me molding.

I’ll let you know how it goes once we’re on the flip side.

Until then, take care!

~Anjolie

Pushing

I’ve been thinking a lot about pushing, mostly in the context of relationship (ie: my marriage) but then last night again when I was out tango dancing (which is just relationship whittled down to 3 minute segments after all).  I’ve been fortunate to live in an area that has a few rather good argentine tango dancers.  When I first started dancing (was that two years ago?) I had no idea what was ‘good’ and what wasn’t but I knew who I wanted to dance with.  That changed over time as I’ve gotten better on my own two feet.  I’m still not what I consider a ‘good’ dancer; I’ve had to take a huge amount of time off from the dance for an ankle surgery and my balance has always been my greatest challenge (which is not so easy to master when you’ve got two bad feet) but I forge ahead.  It’s about enjoying the dance after all, not being a professional.  Anyways, I’ve noted how many of the men that I prefered to dance with in the beginning are not the men that I prefer to dance with now and also, how I’ve adapted to some and revel in the fun of dancing with them even though they may not be the best of dancers.  But last night I realized something that I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to realize. 

I’ve had my mind set on being able to dance with one certain individual very well.  He’s sort of my marker on how well I’m progressing.  Some leads are far too light and unclear; some leads are far too strong and give no room for self-expression; and some leads fall in this perfect place in the middle that give you lots of room.  He falls right in that middle mark…but requires that you ’stand on your own two feet’ completely.  By that I mean that his lead isn’t so strong that you can lean into him (or at least I haven’t figured out how to lean into him yet).  I love dancing with him but it is a challenge if I am not feeling particularly centered on a particular evening.  I used to feel quite “lost” when I danced with him but that’s something that I resolved and has helped immensely with like partners.

Last night I wasn’t feeling so centered and I found myself preferring someone with a much heavier lead.  In fact, I danced with this person far better than I’ve ever danced before…he even said that he was “proud” of me.  That meant a lot to me, that and not being reminded to take “little steps” (haha).  And even though I still aspire to be able to dance well with the former man (as I know I really do need to be more centered and balanced on my own feet) I was enjoying these dances much more.  I had to ask myself why…

I started with “why not”.  Why did I not like dancing with him as much as the other on most nights?  It’s because I’m allowed so much more expression with the other dancer but okay, last night I was able to find it in me with him as well, which I’d never been able to do before.  I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t submissive.  I was strong too.  I leaned into him and still found room to add my own twist.  It was wonderful.  And so I asked myself “why” again and here is what I came up with:

Leaning into a strong lead and still finding room for self-expression calls for pushing.  Pushing into another.  This isn’t a bad pushing.  It isn’t any interference with the dance.  It isn’t being bossy (well, maybe a little) or by any means dominating; the man is still directing the show.  It’s pushing though.  Pushing and seeing were there is room and opportunity and where there isn’t.  It’s a constant affirmation that he is there with me, dancing.  ….and it’s something that I really enjoy. 

I am guessing that as I continue to improve in my own dancing that I will find the way to do this with a lighter lead.  I am guessing that my inability to do this with the first man I spoke of is a direct consequence of where I am at in my own ability.  Yes, I imagine with certainty that this is true….but I don’t know that I will ever prefer it over a heavier lead…or at least not every night.  I think my preference, no matter how skilled I become, will be determined by my own desire on any particular evening.

The correlation of this realization within my personal relationships as well is astounding to me.  I love a man that I can push into – not push around – but who still allows me room to be, me. 

As I am maturing into womanhood and becoming more balanced and centered within myself I am less and less bothered in a “lost” way when my man isn’t able to be that for me…and I think this is important.  I need to be able to stand in my own inner-masculine.  But oh, how much funner it is when he’s here with me and I am able to tell that he has already anticipated my next step…or isn’t one bit bothered that I’m taking my time…or that he opened up a door for me simply because he felt the opportunity in my center…or that he sweeps me off my feet and I have no idea how ended up where I’m at… 

No, I don’t mind any of these things, no matter who’s leading whom or if there isn’t even any way to tell…

…because it is all a part of the music and we are dancing it together.

bleu day

I am feeling very blue today….but I had the day (mostly) to myself and so I sat myself down to finish my most recent bleu horse painting.  I often paint the horses whenever I feel like it (which is often at night) but then I’ll wait to paint their world until later (which is often during day-light).  Sometimes their world never gets painted. I do have one or two of those that are still waiting but perhaps there are times when the bleus just stand alone.  That’s where I’m getting at with those ones anyways.  But these guys wanted a world and who am I to deny them? 

In between paint drying I was working on building my website.  I am once again left frustrated but I am hoping that the company I am working with will respond to my ‘ticket’ in a timely fashion and that I’ll have something up and running soon.  If I can’t get it resolved within the week I’ll probably have to postpone until after our move…..wherever that move may be to, I still don’t have an answer on that.

So, trying to keep myself busy and out of the funk.  Today is quite funky though.  I think tomorrow I’ll go on a hike and see if that helps.  I am feeling very ungrounded because of the pending changes to come.  I don’t expect that feeling to go away until we get settled again so I am just doing my best to keep myself busy.  I like this working-from-home arrangement but it would be nice if the work flow was a bit more steady.  I get excited when I get a file in because there’s something so comforting about putting all the pieces together and it completely distracts me from my worries.  I think I like title insurance underwriting and yes, after 12 years of working on the closing side of the deal that does surprise me.  It’s wonderful that I’ll be able to do this no matter where we move to.

I did paint one little bleu horse today.  He tells my mood.  I can’t ever hide from my bleus….

“I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair…”

I was washing my little girl’s hair yesterday and out of the blue I started singing this song.  I haven’t done that since I was a little girl myself.  Growing up, we watched a lot of old movies (which weren’t quite as old back then) and I loved South Pacific.  I still can sing most of the songs from it.  Anyways, after seeing this movie as a little girl I would sing this song every time I washed my hair.  My mother would sing it along with me too.  No one knew though, that when I sang it, I was trying to wash my daddy out of my hair.  Not my stepfather, but my biological father who had left us.  I wanted him outta my hair, I wanted to stop loving him so that I could stop missing him.

My little girl latched onto the snappy tune right away and at I first I felt bad about passing it on but then I realized that is quite a snappy little tune and that her daddy will always be here for her, no matter what.  And that makes me a very happy mommy.

Rambles On Forgiveness

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me.  He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness.  I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….

In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand:  the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made.  And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it. 

This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.

No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us.  It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior.  They could be abusive even.  Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them.  That’s not a healthy way to live.  But forgiveness allows us to heal.  It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.

In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation.  If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about.  It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others.  If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from.  Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do.  Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all.  Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing.  It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive.  I understand, and it really is as simple as that. 

That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.

What about those times when we can’t find understanding though?  When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?

I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that.  All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself.  After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.

P.S.  This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…

Inner-critic and Current Events

I’ve sure been hitting my inner-critic a lot lately.  Or perhaps it’s just that now I’m aware (more than ever before) and I’m listening.  She says that this painting isn’t good enough.  She says that I still need to work on textures (non-equine) and people a lot more before I tackle a project like this.  She says that I need this and that and that before I’ll ever be good enough.

She sure talks a lot.

And she talks about a lot more stuff than just my painting…

~

I know I’ve been quiet for a while now.  I haven’t felt like sharing too much of what has been going on in my head.  Feels like a bit of a power drain when I do that….so I’ve been letting things simmer without too much outward explanation.  Don’t worry….if I have any profound realizations I’ll share.  :) 

Also, we’ve just been really busy.  I’ve been transitioning to working from home and we have a possible move coming up.  Even if that move doesn’t happen it’s likely that we’ll be moving somewhere within the next few months unless our mortgage company gets really helpful or my husband is able to find a good paying job within a hour’s commute.  I’m not much for leaving things up to fate but then I realize that a lot of these things are out of my control (and you know how I hate that) and that what will be, will be.  We just have to keep ourselves available for opportunity when it arises.  We’ve still got food on our table and a roof over our heads and hey, I’ve been painting a little bit again!

I’ve also been spending a lot more time with my little girl.  We work on art projects nearly every day and she’s got a Kindergarten prep book we’re working our way through as well.  Hard to believe she’ll be starting school this fall…

Oh, and I have another new nephew!  I’ll get to meet him and my other little nephew in July when we go back home for a visit.

Yep, things are keeping me busy but I’m trying to get back to my art…and trying to not let myself get discouraged that I keep having to knock the rust off everytime I sit down to paint.

i belong to the music (a continuation of “on being ‘good enough’”)

i started going out to dance for the dance…
and for the haunting music.
but it wasn’t hardly a moment before i started worrying about whether or not i could belong.
and whether or not i’d ever be ‘good’ (let alone ‘good enough’).
or if i’d always be too clumsy and too big and too fat…

i get ready to go dancing tonight
after a year and a half of bad ankles and surgery and healing…and still healing
and an additional 15 lbs.
and i’m not worrying about whether or not i belong
or how good i’ll be
i’ll be as good as i can be
and i’ll talk to who i want to talk with…
and i’ll dance as much as i can dance before i can’t anymore….
because i’m back to dancing for the dance
and i belong to the music.

handing back the matches

What does it mean when I keep handing back the matches?  Does it mean that I want to sit alone in the cold dark?

Perhaps…

Or perhaps I can’t stand the sight of what the light brings me.

I keep smiling here and there…

But I’m not smiling on the insides anymore.

P.S.  I’d really like to get past this and get back to painting again.

Sam I Am

And I do not like the Sam I am.

And the path narrows…

“As a man’s real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower:  until at last he chooses nothing, but does only and wholly what he must do.”

From a Wizard of Earthsea
by Ursula Le Guin