I’ve been thinking a lot about pushing, mostly in the context of relationship (ie: my marriage) but then last night again when I was out tango dancing (which is just relationship whittled down to 3 minute segments after all). I’ve been fortunate to live in an area that has a few rather good argentine tango dancers. When I first started dancing (was that two years ago?) I had no idea what was ‘good’ and what wasn’t but I knew who I wanted to dance with. That changed over time as I’ve gotten better on my own two feet. I’m still not what I consider a ‘good’ dancer; I’ve had to take a huge amount of time off from the dance for an ankle surgery and my balance has always been my greatest challenge (which is not so easy to master when you’ve got two bad feet) but I forge ahead. It’s about enjoying the dance after all, not being a professional. Anyways, I’ve noted how many of the men that I prefered to dance with in the beginning are not the men that I prefer to dance with now and also, how I’ve adapted to some and revel in the fun of dancing with them even though they may not be the best of dancers. But last night I realized something that I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to realize.
I’ve had my mind set on being able to dance with one certain individual very well. He’s sort of my marker on how well I’m progressing. Some leads are far too light and unclear; some leads are far too strong and give no room for self-expression; and some leads fall in this perfect place in the middle that give you lots of room. He falls right in that middle mark…but requires that you ’stand on your own two feet’ completely. By that I mean that his lead isn’t so strong that you can lean into him (or at least I haven’t figured out how to lean into him yet). I love dancing with him but it is a challenge if I am not feeling particularly centered on a particular evening. I used to feel quite “lost” when I danced with him but that’s something that I resolved and has helped immensely with like partners.
Last night I wasn’t feeling so centered and I found myself preferring someone with a much heavier lead. In fact, I danced with this person far better than I’ve ever danced before…he even said that he was “proud” of me. That meant a lot to me, that and not being reminded to take “little steps” (haha). And even though I still aspire to be able to dance well with the former man (as I know I really do need to be more centered and balanced on my own feet) I was enjoying these dances much more. I had to ask myself why…
I started with “why not”. Why did I not like dancing with him as much as the other on most nights? It’s because I’m allowed so much more expression with the other dancer but okay, last night I was able to find it in me with him as well, which I’d never been able to do before. I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t submissive. I was strong too. I leaned into him and still found room to add my own twist. It was wonderful. And so I asked myself “why” again and here is what I came up with:
Leaning into a strong lead and still finding room for self-expression calls for pushing. Pushing into another. This isn’t a bad pushing. It isn’t any interference with the dance. It isn’t being bossy (well, maybe a little) or by any means dominating; the man is still directing the show. It’s pushing though. Pushing and seeing were there is room and opportunity and where there isn’t. It’s a constant affirmation that he is there with me, dancing. ….and it’s something that I really enjoy.
I am guessing that as I continue to improve in my own dancing that I will find the way to do this with a lighter lead. I am guessing that my inability to do this with the first man I spoke of is a direct consequence of where I am at in my own ability. Yes, I imagine with certainty that this is true….but I don’t know that I will ever prefer it over a heavier lead…or at least not every night. I think my preference, no matter how skilled I become, will be determined by my own desire on any particular evening.
The correlation of this realization within my personal relationships as well is astounding to me. I love a man that I can push into – not push around – but who still allows me room to be, me.
As I am maturing into womanhood and becoming more balanced and centered within myself I am less and less bothered in a “lost” way when my man isn’t able to be that for me…and I think this is important. I need to be able to stand in my own inner-masculine. But oh, how much funner it is when he’s here with me and I am able to tell that he has already anticipated my next step…or isn’t one bit bothered that I’m taking my time…or that he opened up a door for me simply because he felt the opportunity in my center…or that he sweeps me off my feet and I have no idea how ended up where I’m at…
No, I don’t mind any of these things, no matter who’s leading whom or if there isn’t even any way to tell…
…because it is all a part of the music and we are dancing it together.
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