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I saw it lying there on the ground…
Bright and shiny and…red.
But leaves fall all year really. I mean, it didn’t signify anything right?
My little girl picked it up and started dancing.
“Let’s play fairy!”
‘”Fairy” is fun,’ I thought.
But then today the downpour woke us up…
And it was grey and rainy all day.
That kind of grey that I don’t miss at all from back home.
Sure, we needed the rain.
And sure, it IS hurricane season…
But hurricane season actually calls to mind the next season…you know, the one that follows summer.
I dunno…it was a pretty leaf.
And I like red…it’s one of my favorite colors.
But give me yellow please. Lots and lots of yellow.
I think I’ll go hide until next Spring.
This could explain my lack of sleep…
I got me some butterfly wings so I can fly, fly, fly…
And catch myself some dreams.
I got me some butterfly dreams…
That I can hold onto when things seem but not seem.
He huffs and puffs and makes a lot of noise…
But the walls fall down of their own accord.
“Watch out for the bees…
Sometimes they sting.”
“Blah, blah, blah, Humpty-Dumpty,” she sings.
I got me some butterfly wings so I can fly, fly, fly…
And catch the stars that she weaves.
And she learned the hard way to not play with the bumbles…
Just Passing Through
August 2008
Watercolour
I don’t want to hear the certainty of an ending…
Even though all things end – everyone leaves.
“It’s not fair,” I say…as if I’m the only one who matters.
But it’s not fair…and it’s not just me.
The certainty in her voice makes my problems seem trite. She won’t like me saying that but it’s the truth. And it’s a blessing to be given that perspective. It’s all about perspective you know. ;) I’m simply amazed at her courage and strength. I don’t know exactly how she’s holding it together…(and yes, I know it’s not like there’s much choice in the matter but still…).
So here’s to a certain Star Girl I know…
I’m here with you all the way.
All the way.
Always.
Thank you for sharing your light.
i don’t even have words anymore
for the dark bleeding stuff that coats the shadows of the well’s walls
i knew i had climbed too high
but you could only know that if you looked down right?
so maybe the trick is to never look back.
maybe if i’d gotten more sleep
maybe if i’d gotten more rest
maybe if i’d been painting
maybe if i’d taken a walk
maybe if i’d listened to music
maybe if i’d not gotten into theocratic discussions
maybe if i’d just let him go…
why can’t you just let him go already?
i think i need to lock myself away with a thermos of coffee
or a bottle of wine (or two)
and smokes
serious painting jags always take smokes….
i wish i had the space and time to do so.
i need it.
it’s the only way i have to really assimilate changes
and there’s been a lot of them lately - all good too
but changes are never easy for me
maybe i like being here at the bottom.
sounds like i’m being a wee bit pathetic…
The birthday party was a huge success!
Doctor gave her a clean ’script and all was well.
Mommy was busy trying to capture it all on camera of course…and forgot to change the ISO back from 1600. Argh! So all my pics are more than a tad bit grainy. (At least I charged the battery though …)
Happy Birthday baby girl…
I love you all the way to the moon….and back!
Birthday Party Checklist:
þ Hello Kitty Cake (with butterflies)
þ Hello Kitty Balloons
þ Hello Kitty Streamers
þ Hello Kitty Plates
þ Hello Kitty Napkins
þ Hello Kitty Cups
þ Hello Kitty “Happy Birthday” Banner
þ Hello Kitty Tablecloth
þ Hello Kitty Wrapping Paper
þ Wrap Presents
þ Charge Camera Battery
þ Put Battery Back in Camera
I think we’re all set.
Now we just need the all clear from the doctor that we don’t have strep throat (again). Thank goodness for the 9-12 Saturday morning clinic. Worst case scenario it’ll have to be a small party but Nana and Poppy are already here so it’ll be fun no matter what!
Only took her over two hours to get to sleep tonight. You’d think it was Christmas or something.. :)
¨ Sleep for Mommy
¨ Color Mommy’s hair
¨ Doctor Appointment
Who wants to bet I only get two out of those three done tomorrow?
P.S. Couldn’t find that happy little tune above in English but had to share…
i can fly
but i want her wings
i can shine even in the darkness
but i crave the light that she brings
revel in the songs that she sings…
lyrical adaptation of “gabriel” by lamb
pics of me having fun in the dark with my camera – trying on ideas.
“It’s a noble thing… to try to improve yourself but my view of you is that you’re quite remarkable already. So, while I think trying to improve yourself is just fine, thinking you’re not okay isn’t,” he said.
At this point my head started to spin. It finally made sense and it’s not like I haven’t been told this sort of thing before…I’d just never thought of it quite like that. I’ve always thought that if I was working on changing (a/k/a improving) that it must be because something was wrong.with.me. I’ve been trying to fix something that was “broken”, not just trying to improve on something that’s existing.
Talk about a tough place to start – broken person trying to fix the broken person. If only I could find the right button, lever, etc., I could fix everything. But I’ve been looking for years. 10 years to be exact.
Perhaps, just perhaps….there’s nothing broken.
This doesn’t mean that I can’t work on myself…
But it does mean that I’m okay.
That really feels like a novel idea.
I’m okay.
“Remarkable” even.
Imagine that.
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”
~M. Oliver
Really.
Though it does explain all those Star Trek fantasies…
You know, the kind where you make Mr. Spock laugh…
And you get Commander Data to fall in love with you.
After all…you’re special remember?
Aerodynamic even…
But frogs can’t fly.
Not really.
And it’s always a mess when you cut Samson’s hair.
“But she tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair,
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah!”
~L.C.
Hello 31…it’s gonna be a better year, I promise.
On this last day at home I again realize just how much I hate saying goodbye. Not that I didn’t know this fact before but today there were more goodbyes than I could hardly handle. I chickened out on a few of them even, letting a phone call be sufficient (even though it wasn’t really) because I simply needed more distance. Too many goodbyes in too short a time span. This is the part of my vacations back home that I dread.
There’s one side of my family that doesn’t say goodbye at all. They say, “We’ll see ya’ when we see ya’.” Not a bad way to go really…but it doesn’t make it easier to leave, it just makes it easier to say the words.
One thing about saying all these goodbyes though…it really puts “goodbyes” into perspective.
It makes me think about how long some people have been in my life, many for my entire nearly 31 years.
Everyone leaves at some point…
But the people who really matter never really leave…
“Who was that lady Mommy?”
“What lady babes?”
“That lady standing at the end of the shed…”
“I don’t remember seeing her sweetie…what did she look like?”
“She’s got a red shirt and brown, no, red hair and she’s talkin’ about sumpthin’ to somebody.”
There was no lady at Grandpa’s house…and she didn’t ask me about anyone when we were outside, only after she’d seen a picture of my grandparents, the black and white portrait from when they were first married…
“Who’s that Mommy?”
“That’s my Grandpa and Grandma.”
“Where’s Grandma?”
“She’s not with us anymore.”
“Is she dead?”
“Yeah sweets, she died.”
My little girl often sees things that I can’t see.
“Here, let me move this,” my aunt said as she went to pick up Grandma’s ashes to move them out of the room we were going to be sleeping in.
“No, that’s okay,” I told her.
“Really?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I really like sleeping with Grandma.”
And I do. It’s comforting to me. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get so bothered when we were sorting out her old jewelry…it was like I could feel her smiling at us all as we handled the bits and pieces.
This trip has given me a lot of insights and perspective on my life and my family. It’s going to take a bit of time to process it all but it’s been good stuff, even the hard and uncomfortable bits. And it’s been really good for me to be able to step outside of my own life and just be with my family. Being busy enough to just ‘be’, if that makes sense. The clarity comes on it’s own, when it’s time…
I’ve had some big hurts of late, stuff I have to get back to processing and sorting and putting away and letting go of once I get back to my everyday life…but it doesn’t seem quite so big a task now. I’m back to knowing what and who is really important to me. Anything and anyone else will have to fit in with that, let alone want to be there as much as I want them to be there. I’ve been neglectful of the truly important ‘things’ for far too long.
Tomorrow I have two more goodbyes. My grandmother on my mother’s side (who’s getting pretty up there in years now) and my mother.
Two more goodbyes…and then a new hello.
And not just to my husband, but also to the girl in the mirror.
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