On this last day at home I again realize just how much I hate saying goodbye. Not that I didn’t know this fact before but today there were more goodbyes than I could hardly handle. I chickened out on a few of them even, letting a phone call be sufficient (even though it wasn’t really) because I simply needed more distance. Too many goodbyes in too short a time span. This is the part of my vacations back home that I dread.

There’s one side of my family that doesn’t say goodbye at all. They say, “We’ll see ya’ when we see ya’.” Not a bad way to go really…but it doesn’t make it easier to leave, it just makes it easier to say the words.

One thing about saying all these goodbyes though…it really puts “goodbyes” into perspective.

It makes me think about how long some people have been in my life, many for my entire nearly 31 years.

Everyone leaves at some point…
But the people who really matter never really leave…

“Who was that lady Mommy?”

“What lady babes?”

“That lady standing at the end of the shed…”

“I don’t remember seeing her sweetie…what did she look like?”

“She’s got a red shirt and brown, no, red hair and she’s talkin’ about sumpthin’ to somebody.”

There was no lady at Grandpa’s house…and she didn’t ask me about anyone when we were outside, only after she’d seen a picture of my grandparents, the black and white portrait from when they were first married…

“Who’s that Mommy?”

“That’s my Grandpa and Grandma.”

“Where’s Grandma?”

“She’s not with us anymore.”

“Is she dead?”

“Yeah sweets, she died.”

My little girl often sees things that I can’t see.

“Here, let me move this,” my aunt said as she went to pick up Grandma’s ashes to move them out of the room we were going to be sleeping in.

“No, that’s okay,” I told her.

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I really like sleeping with Grandma.”

And I do.  It’s comforting to me.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t get so bothered when we were sorting out her old jewelry…it was like I could feel her smiling at us all as we handled the bits and pieces.

This trip has given me a lot of insights and perspective on my life and my family. It’s going to take a bit of time to process it all but it’s been good stuff, even the hard and uncomfortable bits. And it’s been really good for me to be able to step outside of my own life and just be with my family. Being busy enough to just ‘be’, if that makes sense. The clarity comes on it’s own, when it’s time…

I’ve had some big hurts of late, stuff I have to get back to processing and sorting and putting away and letting go of once I get back to my everyday life…but it doesn’t seem quite so big a task now. I’m back to knowing what and who is really important to me. Anything and anyone else will have to fit in with that, let alone want to be there as much as I want them to be there. I’ve been neglectful of the truly important ‘things’ for far too long.

Tomorrow I have two more goodbyes. My grandmother on my mother’s side (who’s getting pretty up there in years now) and my mother.

Two more goodbyes…and then a new hello.

And not just to my husband, but also to the girl in the mirror.