It’s just the cold hard truth…
Even our wedding vows state “Until death do us part…”
But that doesn’t mean that it’s always been my fault when people in my life have left…
Or that I have to live everyday planning for the eventual departure of everyone in my life…
Or holding my breath when I see an email or a familiar number on my phone…
And it certainly doesn’t mean that I have any fault in my father’s absence from my life.
After all, he never wanted me in the first place.
And that’s his loss…
Because, honestly…what could I have possibly done before I was even born?
So, it is just possible that the people who are in my life today actually want to be in my life…
And maybe they’re not all harboring secret escape plans…
And maybe there is room for me to make mistakes (even really big ones)…
And maybe there is such a thing as forgiveness (as it relates to myself)…
And maybe there really isn’t such a thing as “too ugly”…
I still struggle with the inherent belief that I was born a sinner and unclean…even though I am told otherwise everytime I look into my daughter’s eyes.
I still struggle with half of my universe not even wanting my existence…even though I know that it had nothing to do with me.
I still struggle with letting anyone in close to me because I have this belief that eventually I will be “too much” or “not enough” and they’ll leave…
(…and dammit, I’ll leave first.)
On a happier note, I’ve got today off and so far I’ve spent it baking sundried tomato/olive bread and simulating something resembling a tango around the groceries that I’ve still yet to put away…
I’ll be dancing soon. Yes sirree Bob…just as soon as I can pivot on my ankle again. It would be the loveliest Christmas present…
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December 7, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Greenwoman2007
It will be wonderful when you can dance tango again. *smiles*
Maybe we should just ask point blank if there are hidden escape plans, because then our truth sense would have a chance to work on the situation. And maybe it will be okay if we ask as many times as we need to with the people who really matter.
I feel you here. I think we all have escape plans of a sort (as Chris says below) but when someone vacates unexpectedly it’s a hard blow. I don’t know if it would really matter how many times we asked…people will either answer honestly or they won’t. People are going to do what they’re going to do….and it doesn’t always have anything to do with us.
December 8, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Chris
You know, I was going to blog on exactly this topic some time ago. When I used to give seminars on personal development I would challenge people in saying that the first thing anyone does when getting into a relationship is to discover the escape hatch.
“No!” They’d exclaim. “You’re wrong, wrong, wrong!”
“Oh?” I’d reply. “Then tell me if you know the one thing that would end your relationship/marriage/partnership etc. right now. The one thing that would bring it to an end instantly without any question or hope of recovery.”
Everyone *always* knew what the one thing was and it was often something different based on the relationship so it’s not like it’s the same thing for everyone.
I say all of this because I think what you are experiencing and many of the challenges you describe are common to us all. It doesn’t make us bad or cruel or thoughtless. Quite the opposite. Considering these questions makes us human. The only thing that may not be obvious is that the rest of us are confronting these very same challenges and for the most part doing so in a much more covert and private manner lest someone find out that we’re not perfect or perfectly happy or less than omnipresent.
As for dancing, I was taught some of the Rumba last night and it’s back to Merengue and the waltz at tonight’s lesson. I’m sure that very soon it will be you counting 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.
C
You mean I’m not omnipresent? Hahaha! Good thing you caught me on a good day. ;)
Yes, I have to agree on the escape hatches and I appreciate you sharing your insight and continuing the conversation here. Often times the hard truth ain’t one bit pretty…but I’d always rather know the truth (I think).
I’m hoping to be dancing a bit after the New Year begins. Warm weather (or leg warmers) would help. There is a style of tango waltz…but generally we’re counting some form of onetothreefor….fivesixsevneight. I’ll show you sometime.