You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2009.
did you ever feel further and further away from someone
no matter how often you talked
and you’re just not in the same place anymore
and the connection begins to fail
and you want to save something
but you really don’t
because it’s just not you anymore
or mabye you’ve become too jaded
not wanting to feel anything that felt like anything before
but no, really…
you’re just not that same person
and the conversations that you try to expound on keep coming back
all circle-ish
and you wonder if it’ll ever be the same again
though of course you know it won’t
and you wonder about the connections you let go before
and what they could be like now
if only…
all the while finding a new balance point
somewhere deep inside
i’m dancing better than ever before…
maybe that has something to do with hopping around on one foot for so long.
It’s feeling a bit mad out there…
And I hope the underlying current of hope stays hopeful…
Otherwise we may have to resort to drastic measures…
But I’ve got lots of nails and staples and such sorts of things…
; )
Grey Junglefowl (Gallus sonneratii)
Our pillow talk featured the origin of the mighty chicken.
Yes, folks…and it was a lively discussion at that.
I said the chicken was from Africa…
He said that it was already here in the America’s before Columbus came…
Seems like we’re both a bit right and wrong and that’s there actually a lot of debate on the latter…
(I’m leaving out the debate over whether or not there was chicken served at the first Thanksgiving…)
And I’m still arguing that India is Africa even though there seems to be evidence that domestication was in process even earlier in Vietnam.
I think perhaps the most notable fact is that the chicken originates from jungle fowl. Grey jungle fowl to be exact.
And that my friends, is enough research on chickens for one day.
I sought out therapy when I was nineteen. That would be about twelve years ago now. Twelve years of therapy, off and on. Some of that with really wonderful therapists, some of that with a really not-so-good therapist. I’d rather not even think about the amount of money I’ve spent on therapy. I could probably have that college degree that’s always seemed financially out of reach…
Twelve years and I thought I was over this stuff. I thought that what I was dealing with was something deeper, something unrelated. Hah!
My husband has been going to counseling with me for a few months now. It’s been a lot of hard work and hard issues we’ve both had to face. I am so proud of him for sticking with it. It’s not fun to have a mirror pointed in your face…let alone having to look at the scary stuff you worked so hard to lock away.
Now that I’m starting to believe in him (and us) again I’m finding that ‘my stuff’ is still very much there. The safer I feel in my relationship with him, the more I’m feeling triggered and anxious. I’ve been watching myself, trying to figure this out…but life has a way of keeping one so busy that there isn’t always a lot of time to sit and ponder.
Then our therapist gave us a video to watch, Healing Sex, an accompaniment to Statci Haines book-that-I-haven’t-read-yet The Survivor’s Guide to Sex. She is an innovator in the field of Somatics specializing in working with trauma. This video is simply astonishing. I’ve never seen or read anything that was this empowering for a survivor of sexual abuse. It acknowledges what happened and ALL of the sensations around what happened and shows you the way back to living your life, making your choices, having your freedom…
And I was dumbfounded to realize that it’s still all of that ’stuff’ that’s running my outside (and even more so my intimate) life.
If you’re a survivor or know a survivor I urge you to take a look at something different.
I changed my theme because scrolling WAY down the page to see any comments was really starting to irritate me…
Losing all my widgets is even more irritating…
Not finding a suitable replacement for the header is just as irritating…
Maya said she would keep on eye on things until I have time to get it re-situated….
Update 1/14/09: Tried fixing widgets but nothing made any sense. Settings said they were already there but they weren’t. Tried adding one to see what would happen and then ALL OF THEM disappeared. Switched back to my Tarski theme and everything is back. Seems to be a problem with WordPress when switching themes and so far, none of the themes I’ve checked out seem to be condusive to the widgets that I have soooooo…..it’ll have to wait until I have a bit more time to play with it. Meanwhile, leaving Maya in charge…
We came home the other day and she headed straight to her room. I (as usual) headed straight to the kitchen to start dinner. “Mommy,” she said as she stuck her head out her door, “I need some privacy.” And she turned on her Hannah Montana cd (‘Santa’ brought it, not me) and closed her door.
By the way…she’s four.
As in one, two, three, four…
*sighs*
Just one of many reasons I haven’t been around much lately. Life in this dimension is demanding my attention…and I’m giving it before it passes me by.
(But I did finally get to my comments that all you lovely people left me…)
“There is something deeply gratifying about joining the horses in their pasture a few minutes before the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Eve. What makes the night so exceptional, in their eyes and mine, is my presence amoung them, not the lapsing of an old year.
“It’s worth standing out in the snow just to savor the anticlimax of midnight, just to acknowledge that out of the tens of millions of species on this planet, only one bothers to celebrate not the passing of time, but the way it has chosen to mark the passing of time. …
“I always wonder what it would be like to belong to a species – just for a while – that isn’t so busy indexing its life, that lives wholly within the single long strand of its being. I will never have even an idea of what that’s like.
“I know because when I stand amoung the horses tonight, I will feel a change once midnight has come. Some need will have vanished, and I will walk back to the house – lights burning, smoke coming from the wood stove – as if something had been accomplished, some episode closed.”
~Verlyn Klinkenborg
The New York Times, 12/31/2007
Recent Comments