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I am feeling very blue today….but I had the day (mostly) to myself and so I sat myself down to finish my most recent bleu horse painting. I often paint the horses whenever I feel like it (which is often at night) but then I’ll wait to paint their world until later (which is often during day-light). Sometimes their world never gets painted. I do have one or two of those that are still waiting but perhaps there are times when the bleus just stand alone. That’s where I’m getting at with those ones anyways. But these guys wanted a world and who am I to deny them?
In between paint drying I was working on building my website. I am once again left frustrated but I am hoping that the company I am working with will respond to my ‘ticket’ in a timely fashion and that I’ll have something up and running soon. If I can’t get it resolved within the week I’ll probably have to postpone until after our move…..wherever that move may be to, I still don’t have an answer on that.
So, trying to keep myself busy and out of the funk. Today is quite funky though. I think tomorrow I’ll go on a hike and see if that helps. I am feeling very ungrounded because of the pending changes to come. I don’t expect that feeling to go away until we get settled again so I am just doing my best to keep myself busy. I like this working-from-home arrangement but it would be nice if the work flow was a bit more steady. I get excited when I get a file in because there’s something so comforting about putting all the pieces together and it completely distracts me from my worries. I think I like title insurance underwriting and yes, after 12 years of working on the closing side of the deal that does surprise me. It’s wonderful that I’ll be able to do this no matter where we move to.
I did paint one little bleu horse today. He tells my mood. I can’t ever hide from my bleus….
I was washing my little girl’s hair yesterday and out of the blue I started singing this song. I haven’t done that since I was a little girl myself. Growing up, we watched a lot of old movies (which weren’t quite as old back then) and I loved South Pacific. I still can sing most of the songs from it. Anyways, after seeing this movie as a little girl I would sing this song every time I washed my hair. My mother would sing it along with me too. No one knew though, that when I sang it, I was trying to wash my daddy out of my hair. Not my stepfather, but my biological father who had left us. I wanted him outta my hair, I wanted to stop loving him so that I could stop missing him.
My little girl latched onto the snappy tune right away and at I first I felt bad about passing it on but then I realized that is quite a snappy little tune and that her daddy will always be here for her, no matter what. And that makes me a very happy mommy.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me. He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness. I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….
In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand: the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made. And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it.
This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.
No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us. It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior. They could be abusive even. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them. That’s not a healthy way to live. But forgiveness allows us to heal. It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.
In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation. If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about. It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others. If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from. Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do. Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all. Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing. It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive. I understand, and it really is as simple as that.
That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.
What about those times when we can’t find understanding though? When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?
I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that. All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself. After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.
P.S. This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…
I’ve sure been hitting my inner-critic a lot lately. Or perhaps it’s just that now I’m aware (more than ever before) and I’m listening. She says that this painting isn’t good enough. She says that I still need to work on textures (non-equine) and people a lot more before I tackle a project like this. She says that I need this and that and that before I’ll ever be good enough.
She sure talks a lot.
And she talks about a lot more stuff than just my painting…
~
I know I’ve been quiet for a while now. I haven’t felt like sharing too much of what has been going on in my head. Feels like a bit of a power drain when I do that….so I’ve been letting things simmer without too much outward explanation. Don’t worry….if I have any profound realizations I’ll share. :)
Also, we’ve just been really busy. I’ve been transitioning to working from home and we have a possible move coming up. Even if that move doesn’t happen it’s likely that we’ll be moving somewhere within the next few months unless our mortgage company gets really helpful or my husband is able to find a good paying job within a hour’s commute. I’m not much for leaving things up to fate but then I realize that a lot of these things are out of my control (and you know how I hate that) and that what will be, will be. We just have to keep ourselves available for opportunity when it arises. We’ve still got food on our table and a roof over our heads and hey, I’ve been painting a little bit again!
I’ve also been spending a lot more time with my little girl. We work on art projects nearly every day and she’s got a Kindergarten prep book we’re working our way through as well. Hard to believe she’ll be starting school this fall…
Oh, and I have another new nephew! I’ll get to meet him and my other little nephew in July when we go back home for a visit.
Yep, things are keeping me busy but I’m trying to get back to my art…and trying to not let myself get discouraged that I keep having to knock the rust off everytime I sit down to paint.
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