I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me.  He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness.  I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….

In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand:  the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made.  And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it. 

This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.

No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us.  It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior.  They could be abusive even.  Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them.  That’s not a healthy way to live.  But forgiveness allows us to heal.  It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.

In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation.  If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about.  It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others.  If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from.  Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do.  Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all.  Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing.  It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive.  I understand, and it really is as simple as that. 

That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.

What about those times when we can’t find understanding though?  When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?

I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that.  All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself.  After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.

P.S.  This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…