Hello to my faithful few…

I’m starting a new blog, one more specifically involving my art.  I haven’t been able to figure out what to do with this space here.  Bringing my art out more into the public eye makes me feel vulnerable.  As if I’m showing so much of myself there that I don’t want much else seen.  I don’t know if that makes sense…

I’m leaving this here for now.  I may go through my posts and edit more, mostly just hiding ones of too personal of a nature.  Or I may eventually close it down completely.  I’m not sure.

You can find my art here though:  www.anjolieyork.wordpress.com 

And as I get my widgets and all updated there will be links to my etsy store: www.anjolieyork.etsy.com and my facebook.

Hope all is well.

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Pink and Bushmills and yes, garlic in my chili please…

Momma’s hot glue gun and broken (now fixed) Halloween decorations…

Kitty ghosts chasing me through half-asleep dreams…

October time.
November time.
December time.

Already waiting for Spring…

~Our beloved Hooter, may she rest in peace. 10.09.09~

I have been questioning myself of late, about my dependency upon others.  Not a dependency of validation or even emotional support, but this driving desire for connection…to experience myself by experiencing another.  It seems counter to much of the spiritual teaching about self-awareness.  It seems counter to sitting in meditation with the self.  But for all of that, I am still driven to experience another…as if I couldn’t fully come to know myself alone.  I believe this may be true.  I believe I finally understand why God/dess started creating all this…and it was more than just boredom.  ;)

…and been here since Monday.  Almost all unpacked; my little girl has been staying at Grandma’s all week.  Not quite the romantic interlude we’d imagined (after five years without one) but even with all the unpacking to do we found some time to spend together.

My mom and sister (and my  lil’ nephew) are bringing her back tonight and actually just arrived.  I’ve got to run and get everyone settled in for the night.

Pic above are the flowers I bought on my first trip to the grocery store.  Something about having flowers makes a place feel more like home…

A very belated notice for my blog.  No, I’m not moving my blog…I’m moving my entire residence 3,000 miles back across the States to Washington.  Washington State that is.  East side this time, with a lot less rain so you don’t have to worry about me molding.

I’ll let you know how it goes once we’re on the flip side.

Until then, take care!

~Anjolie

I am feeling very blue today….but I had the day (mostly) to myself and so I sat myself down to finish my most recent bleu horse painting.  I often paint the horses whenever I feel like it (which is often at night) but then I’ll wait to paint their world until later (which is often during day-light).  Sometimes their world never gets painted. I do have one or two of those that are still waiting but perhaps there are times when the bleus just stand alone.  That’s where I’m getting at with those ones anyways.  But these guys wanted a world and who am I to deny them? 

In between paint drying I was working on building my website.  I am once again left frustrated but I am hoping that the company I am working with will respond to my ‘ticket’ in a timely fashion and that I’ll have something up and running soon.  If I can’t get it resolved within the week I’ll probably have to postpone until after our move…..wherever that move may be to, I still don’t have an answer on that.

So, trying to keep myself busy and out of the funk.  Today is quite funky though.  I think tomorrow I’ll go on a hike and see if that helps.  I am feeling very ungrounded because of the pending changes to come.  I don’t expect that feeling to go away until we get settled again so I am just doing my best to keep myself busy.  I like this working-from-home arrangement but it would be nice if the work flow was a bit more steady.  I get excited when I get a file in because there’s something so comforting about putting all the pieces together and it completely distracts me from my worries.  I think I like title insurance underwriting and yes, after 12 years of working on the closing side of the deal that does surprise me.  It’s wonderful that I’ll be able to do this no matter where we move to.

I did paint one little bleu horse today.  He tells my mood.  I can’t ever hide from my bleus….

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me.  He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness.  I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….

In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand:  the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made.  And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it. 

This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.

No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us.  It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior.  They could be abusive even.  Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them.  That’s not a healthy way to live.  But forgiveness allows us to heal.  It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.

In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation.  If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about.  It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others.  If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from.  Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do.  Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all.  Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing.  It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive.  I understand, and it really is as simple as that. 

That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.

What about those times when we can’t find understanding though?  When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?

I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that.  All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself.  After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.

P.S.  This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…

What does it mean when I keep handing back the matches?  Does it mean that I want to sit alone in the cold dark?

Perhaps…

Or perhaps I can’t stand the sight of what the light brings me.

I keep smiling here and there…

But I’m not smiling on the insides anymore.

P.S.  I’d really like to get past this and get back to painting again.

Anjolie, your roots are showing…

Whatever do you mean? [Checks hair in mirror.]

You’re wearing flannel to the grocery store (again).

Aw, come on…where I grew up this is STILL considered fashionable.

Anjolie, you’re dreaming again…