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I got the bad news on my other ankle today. Seems it has the same defect as the right one did and it’s going to take surgery to correct. I was suspicious of it when it started swelling…which is why I haven’t been dancing much. That and my right ankle wasn’t quite ready for it yet (it told me so). *sighs* I’m very bummed out…I was so looking forward to dancing again let alone being able to do all my normal activities like hiking and bike riding and chasing around after Emma. I don’t suppose they’ll be doing the surgery for a while yet as my right ankle isn’t recovered enough to take on the full weight load. I’m going to work hard at riding my stationary bike (that doesn’t seem to bother either ankle too badly) and keep after my diet. I really need to get the weight back off that I accumulated over the recovery period from the last surgery before I get incapacitated again (was sorta counting on the dancing to help me out with that this summer). I might sneak into a milonga or two for the music but I know my dancing has severely suffered from this. The pain is too distracting after the second dance to really enjoy myself, let alone be an enjoyable partner to dance with. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m out of it for another year. I should probably just invest in that better lens and an off-camera flash and become a tango photographer…
I’ll be back, someday. If only for the music…
i looked for you tonight
but i couldn’t find you
i realized i was reaching
but i could not stop myself
i felt out all around
but you were nowhere to be found
“look inside” a voice said
and i knew the lesson to be learned
without even looking
but look i did
and of course you were right here
oh, i know that i am never alone
it’s just that on the inside of me you feel just like me
just like me…
and yet i am missing you entirely
akin
to asking
is
troublesome
wishing
and unspoken
truth
at times
violently
reshaping
what already is
into what already was
and nothing new
forms
i throw the colours onto the paper
in hopes
that the angels will speak
"The lake is frozen over
trees are white with snow….
and all around reminders of you
are everywhere I go…."
I put my white dress away today. It needed ironing first. As I ran the iron over the soft cotton I saw the stains from the clay of the cornfield. I saw the red spatters from the angels. I felt the sun on my shoulders and in my hair.
Perhaps that is what makes this time of the year so hard. The remembering…
lyrics: Sarah McLachlan "Wintersong"
i am the answer
i am the question
i am everything
and i am nothing
i am the words
and the spaces between the lines
i am the sound
and the silence
i am the ocean
and the shore
i hear the train at the station
she’s ready
i feel the perforated edges of the ticket stub in my hand
i look at you with my question
you hold the answer in your palm
what is the question?
did you buy two tickets for Timbucktoo
or are you going to Kalamazoo?
i don’t believe in love i say…
and i still don’t know where i sent the angel
or if i even told her to come back
she was carrying something red in her hands
but they were held up against her belly
and i couldn’t see inside
but i look down at my own hands and see red there too
so i know whatever it was was something i gave her
i feel lost
is the insanity the price i pay
for dreaming?
and it breaks my heart"
into a million little pieces (or a number more infinite than that)
a million little pieces of white sparkling light
and they scatter to the winds
in that moment (and in this)
i’m sad
but then i’m set free
because they are all "that"
and they’ll find their way home
doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt a little bit though
but some part of me knows that that’s okay
mood today: a little lonely
song lyrics: Regina Spektor (Yes, KT…I copied you.)
Through the cornfield, where they cut the harvest path….
across the stream and on…
darkness falling around my heels…
the smoky moon hinting at the top of the trees
and the path kept opening into another path and another field
and so I kept running
past and through and with the deer
little crickets jumping from underneath my feet
and then I stood at the top of a sloping field and looked down the row of trees
and it looked as if I could go on forever…
entertwining through the haze
and I thought about going home
but I stepped forward again
and I started to really run…as if to fly
and I saw the moon
as if she was chasing me
and my feet stopped touching the ground
and I didnt’ feel a thing
and then I broke through the end of that field and there was an even larger one in front of me
barely visible anymore
with a coyote howling in the distance
and I looked back at the moon and asked her "Why?"
and she looked at me with her strange orange glow and said "You can’t run away from me."
and so I turned around and started for home
and I realized that no matter how far I run…..the walk back will be the same distance.
or maybe it’s because summer is over.
or maybe it’s because I have jet lag.
or maybe it’s because I just have days like these…
but I could just crawl back into bed today…
and never, ever come out again.
or maybe I just need to paint some bleu horses…
either way, I’m wearing a very bright red lipstick today.
i love my brothers
and my little brother, well….
somehow he grew up between when i saw him last
and when i saw him this time
he gave me a big hug tonight before i left
never knowing just when i’ll see him again
i cried
more this time than any other time
(this being open and feeling stuff is an odd place to live in)
he hugged me tight
and never let go
until i knew i had to let go
and even then
he kissed me on the forehead
i don’t wanna leave
i know i said this before
but i really, really, really hate the leaving part.
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