The problem with reinventing yourself…

…is that sometimes you forget who you are.

I’m trying to get back to here…but noplace seems to fit me anymore.

Inner-critic and Current Events

I’ve sure been hitting my inner-critic a lot lately.  Or perhaps it’s just that now I’m aware (more than ever before) and I’m listening.  She says that this painting isn’t good enough.  She says that I still need to work on textures (non-equine) and people a lot more before I tackle a project like this.  She says that I need this and that and that before I’ll ever be good enough.

She sure talks a lot.

And she talks about a lot more stuff than just my painting…

~

I know I’ve been quiet for a while now.  I haven’t felt like sharing too much of what has been going on in my head.  Feels like a bit of a power drain when I do that….so I’ve been letting things simmer without too much outward explanation.  Don’t worry….if I have any profound realizations I’ll share.  :) 

Also, we’ve just been really busy.  I’ve been transitioning to working from home and we have a possible move coming up.  Even if that move doesn’t happen it’s likely that we’ll be moving somewhere within the next few months unless our mortgage company gets really helpful or my husband is able to find a good paying job within a hour’s commute.  I’m not much for leaving things up to fate but then I realize that a lot of these things are out of my control (and you know how I hate that) and that what will be, will be.  We just have to keep ourselves available for opportunity when it arises.  We’ve still got food on our table and a roof over our heads and hey, I’ve been painting a little bit again!

I’ve also been spending a lot more time with my little girl.  We work on art projects nearly every day and she’s got a Kindergarten prep book we’re working our way through as well.  Hard to believe she’ll be starting school this fall…

Oh, and I have another new nephew!  I’ll get to meet him and my other little nephew in July when we go back home for a visit.

Yep, things are keeping me busy but I’m trying to get back to my art…and trying to not let myself get discouraged that I keep having to knock the rust off everytime I sit down to paint.

Sometimes I think I’m not doing so well…

…but if I look at the bigger picture, I’m probably doing pretty darn well.

…all things considered.

…and all.

:)

Everyone leaves eventually…

It’s just the cold hard truth…
Even our wedding vows state “Until death do us part…”
But that doesn’t mean that it’s always been my fault when people in my life have left…
Or that I have to live everyday planning for the eventual departure of everyone in my life…
Or holding my breath when I see an email or a familiar number on my phone…
And it certainly doesn’t mean that I have any fault in my father’s absence from my life.
After all, he never wanted me in the first place.
And that’s his loss…
Because, honestly…what could I have possibly done before I was even born?
So, it is just possible that the people who are in my life today actually want to be in my life…
And maybe they’re not all harboring secret escape plans…
And maybe there is room for me to make mistakes (even really big ones)…
And maybe there is such a thing as forgiveness (as it relates to myself)…
And maybe there really isn’t such a thing as “too ugly”…

I still struggle with the inherent belief that I was born a sinner and unclean…even though I am told otherwise everytime I look into my daughter’s eyes.
I still struggle with half of my universe not even wanting my existence…even though I know that it had nothing to do with me.
I still struggle with letting anyone in close to me because I have this belief that eventually I will be “too much” or “not enough” and they’ll leave…
(…and dammit, I’ll leave first.)

On a happier note, I’ve got today off and so far I’ve spent it baking sundried tomato/olive bread and simulating something resembling a tango around the groceries that I’ve still yet to put away…

I’ll be dancing soon.  Yes sirree Bob…just as soon as I can pivot on my ankle again.  It would be the loveliest Christmas present…

“Because after a while that’s just what you do…”

But how long is “after a while”?

 

I keep getting caught up in “why”

which I’ve finally realized is a stalling tactic for just doing…

but I look around in the dark

and I can’t see the red line

and I don’t know which way to go

or what to do

I can’t even find my voice to sing a sad song anymore….

and I find myself smiling wistfully when my little girl spins her stars…

 

“Try doing something different”, he says….

and I know he’s right

and I thought I was

but maybe doing this all by myself

just isn’t going to ever make a big enough difference

so that I can be

the lady who paints dreams and sing songs and who never runs out of hugs…

 

I want others to look at me and see their own light.

I want to show them their stars.

but I can’t do any of that from down here…

and I’m afraid that if I take a step in the dark I’ll just fall down deeper.

 

If I’m so smart

and I can see so much

why do I let myself live this way?

I don’t care if I’ve posted this here or there or anywhere before…

This is for all my star girls who sit outside wishing for their wings at night…

And anyone who’s ever fell in love with a blue-eyed boy.

When the light starts to thin…

…there’s Fashion Week!

Which reminds us that Spring isn’t so very far away as it seems.

Oh, I’ll never wear Charlotte Ronson…but I have to say I love her line.

Photo via “New York Fashion“.

Trying, trying, trying to see the light….

It’s not you…

And it’s never going to be you.
So just stop your wondering and wishing and hopeful breath holding.
Stop looking.
Stop reaching.
This is it.
This is what you got.
And if it ain’t enough…figure out a way to live with it.
‘Cause it’s all you’re going to get.

“It’s not all about you Anjolie…so get over yourself.”

“I know, I just thought…well…that maybe there was more…”

I feel myself churning inside again, my tigress pacing her cell, scraping her claws against the cold walls of the deep, deep well until it hurts so much that I have to throw her a bone…only it doesn’t satisfy her (it never does) and I start to cry, turning to liquid, perhaps in hopes that I can drown her if I can only make the water deep enough….

Butterfly Dreams

 

I got me some butterfly wings so I can fly, fly, fly…
And catch myself some dreams.

I got me some butterfly dreams…
That I can hold onto when things seem but not seem.

He huffs and puffs and makes a lot of noise…
But the walls fall down of their own accord.

“Watch out for the bees…
Sometimes they sting.”

 

“Blah, blah, blah, Humpty-Dumpty,” she sings.

I got me some butterfly wings so I can fly, fly, fly…
And catch the stars that she weaves.

And she learned the hard way to not play with the bumbles…

matches anyone?

i don’t even have words anymore
for the dark bleeding stuff that coats the shadows of the well’s walls
i knew i had climbed too high
but you could only know that if you looked down right?
so maybe the trick is to never look back.

maybe if i’d gotten more sleep
maybe if i’d gotten more rest
maybe if i’d been painting
maybe if i’d taken a walk
maybe if i’d listened to music
maybe if i’d not gotten into theocratic discussions
maybe if i’d just let him go…
why can’t you just let him go already?

i think i need to lock myself away with a thermos of coffee
or a bottle of wine (or two)
and smokes
serious painting jags always take smokes….
i wish i had the space and time to do so.
i need it.
it’s the only way i have to really assimilate changes
and there’s been a lot of them lately - all good too
but changes are never easy for me
maybe i like being here at the bottom.

sounds like i’m being a wee bit pathetic…