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This is the center of the universe at this moment unless you’re looking in another direction, or are thinking about something from a long time ago, in which case it will wait quietly right here until you return.
~StoryPeople
I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me. He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness. I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….
In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand: the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made. And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it.
This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.
No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us. It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior. They could be abusive even. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them. That’s not a healthy way to live. But forgiveness allows us to heal. It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.
In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation. If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about. It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others. If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from. Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do. Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all. Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing. It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive. I understand, and it really is as simple as that.
That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.
What about those times when we can’t find understanding though? When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?
I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that. All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself. After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.
P.S. This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…
I’ve sure been hitting my inner-critic a lot lately. Or perhaps it’s just that now I’m aware (more than ever before) and I’m listening. She says that this painting isn’t good enough. She says that I still need to work on textures (non-equine) and people a lot more before I tackle a project like this. She says that I need this and that and that before I’ll ever be good enough.
She sure talks a lot.
And she talks about a lot more stuff than just my painting…
~
I know I’ve been quiet for a while now. I haven’t felt like sharing too much of what has been going on in my head. Feels like a bit of a power drain when I do that….so I’ve been letting things simmer without too much outward explanation. Don’t worry….if I have any profound realizations I’ll share. :)
Also, we’ve just been really busy. I’ve been transitioning to working from home and we have a possible move coming up. Even if that move doesn’t happen it’s likely that we’ll be moving somewhere within the next few months unless our mortgage company gets really helpful or my husband is able to find a good paying job within a hour’s commute. I’m not much for leaving things up to fate but then I realize that a lot of these things are out of my control (and you know how I hate that) and that what will be, will be. We just have to keep ourselves available for opportunity when it arises. We’ve still got food on our table and a roof over our heads and hey, I’ve been painting a little bit again!
I’ve also been spending a lot more time with my little girl. We work on art projects nearly every day and she’s got a Kindergarten prep book we’re working our way through as well. Hard to believe she’ll be starting school this fall…
Oh, and I have another new nephew! I’ll get to meet him and my other little nephew in July when we go back home for a visit.
Yep, things are keeping me busy but I’m trying to get back to my art…and trying to not let myself get discouraged that I keep having to knock the rust off everytime I sit down to paint.
I got the bad news on my other ankle today. Seems it has the same defect as the right one did and it’s going to take surgery to correct. I was suspicious of it when it started swelling…which is why I haven’t been dancing much. That and my right ankle wasn’t quite ready for it yet (it told me so). *sighs* I’m very bummed out…I was so looking forward to dancing again let alone being able to do all my normal activities like hiking and bike riding and chasing around after Emma. I don’t suppose they’ll be doing the surgery for a while yet as my right ankle isn’t recovered enough to take on the full weight load. I’m going to work hard at riding my stationary bike (that doesn’t seem to bother either ankle too badly) and keep after my diet. I really need to get the weight back off that I accumulated over the recovery period from the last surgery before I get incapacitated again (was sorta counting on the dancing to help me out with that this summer). I might sneak into a milonga or two for the music but I know my dancing has severely suffered from this. The pain is too distracting after the second dance to really enjoy myself, let alone be an enjoyable partner to dance with. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m out of it for another year. I should probably just invest in that better lens and an off-camera flash and become a tango photographer…
I’ll be back, someday. If only for the music…
…because I packed Emma up and we headed in for the early St. Patty’s Day festivities and it seems everyone cancelled due to the rain. The rain! The mildly misting precipitation that was easily thwarted with a jacket and an umbrella.
Sheesh…you’d think Ireland was a tropical island. Or perhaps it’s the 1/8th bit o’ Irish blood coursing through my veins (though more likely it’s just from growing up on the Olympic Coast ‘coz I’ve got a whole list of other 1/8ths in me as well).
P.S. Seattle didn’t cancel their parade!
P.S.S. I bet Portland didn’t either!
(white ponies – 4×4 inch – watercolour, pen & ink)
I’m remembering more of my dreams. I’ve dreamed of a white pony and a crowd of people , most of whom are familiar to me. They all want the pony to go out “somewhere” but I tell them no, that he’s not quite ready and at the same time I tell the pony that he’s going to have to go “out there” soon. I’m watching over him you see and the “out there” is outside of the pen, outside of the barn…out into a city of sorts.
I’m remembering more of my daytime dreams as well. I cancelled the plans for the online accounting degree. As much as I like putting numbers in boxes, I hate being stuck in front of a computer all day – it’s one of my greatest complaints of my current job. Accounting is a pretty reliable profession but it doesn’t make my heart sing. It isn’t what I really want to do with my life, at all.
If the sky was the limit I would go study at a atelier – a traditional realist art study program. Yep, that’s what I would do. And I would learn how to paint those glowing portraits and landscapes that I fell in love with staring into the Encylopedia Brittanica when I was five years old. There’s nothing like that even close to where I live and the logistics with a child and my husband working out of state feel insurmountable…but that’s my dream. There’s a studio art program at our University of Virginia and at the community college in Charlottesville. Perhaps there’s something there I could do, somehow, someday, some way.
And there’s still that massage school idea. I just need to figure out how to pay the tuition that the loans won’t cover and some way to move to make the schedule work with Emma going to school this fall. She’ll be starting Kindergarten! When did that happen?!? Or my husband could get a job within a half hour of home and I could take the evening classes…but that’s looking less and less likely.
I don’t want to give up on my dreams. I love being mommy but I still want to be me too. And I’ve got lost time to make up for and time with my girl that I don’t want to keep losing by working at a high-stress job that zaps me of my energy and creativity. I also need a job that flows. I’m putting on my thinking cap. There’s got to be some way I can keep earning some income and yet be able to go back to school and/or have the time I need to spend on my art. I’ve got one idea…just not sure if it’s a viable one yet.
Meanwhile, I keep gaining weight and my good ankle is starting to swell the way that my bad ankle did before I had surgery on it. Not a good sign. I’ve got to get my exercise bike fixed (we put in the new part but it’s still not working right) or I’ve got to get a new one somehow. It’s the only cardio I can do that doesn’t cause me problems. Money is super tight but it’d still be cheaper to replace it than it would be to buy a new wardrobe. Seriously. I’m thinking of trying those Acai berries…as well as a trip to the doctor. Perhaps my thyroid is wacking out again. That’d explain the weight and the water-retention and the tiredness. All the B vitamins in the world aren’t going to counteract a messed up thyroid. Gosh, I’m having all these troubles at 31. I’d better get them straight or I’ll be a real mess by the time I’m 40! :)
So, we’ve got company showing up in about 20 minutes. It’s snowing. I’m making a artichoke sausage with vodka sauce pasta dish for dinner. My husband just got back from the store with some rosemary bread (because I spent the morning de-bugging the pc (again) and didn’t feel like baking). I’ve got a notion for a big art project with my watercolours…and that’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m working on rounding up all my ‘re(a)d letters’ photos so I can make a bunch of prints. I think the book project will be easier for me to work on if I could hold the photos in my hands instead of staring at my monitor. I’m more of a ‘hands on’ kind of person. Things make more sense when I can hold the pieces…
Holding pieces – painting dreams. Feels like the same thing.
trust the process
and…ask
to see the way around
again spirals
i do not believe that everything happens for a reason…
but i do believe that everything happens.
and you don’t deserve it.
i rake the leaves again
one barrow at a time
i fill the garden
weeks behind
but the garden will fill
and the grass will grow
and already the crocuses are saying hello
hello
trust the process
let the anger rise and have it’s say
let the grief swallow you
it takes as long as it takes
live in it
and when it’s all too much just
hold still
Even though it’s looking pretty decided…
And I know I need to get to bed…
Big day tomorrow at work (again) and all…
I’m really hinged on my little state here though…
51% to 49% and I wonder if Virginia will in fact turn blue?
Maybe if it does this little west coast girl will feel a bit more at home.
…and I’m always one to rush it.
But you just can’t rush it.
Really, there’s no rushing.
I worked 7.5 hours today. On top of the 6 hours I put in yesterday it was too much. I can’t sleep because I’m in so much pain and the Vicodin isn’t even touching it.
I don’t know how I’m going to work tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m not going to work tomorrow. I should call in. My doctor would probably be pissed if he found out that I’ve done what I’ve done.
I don’t want to call in. I don’t like telling people that I can’t do something. I don’t like being limited. I don’t like being weak. But gosh, I don’t know how I’m going to get through another day…and this just can’t be good if it hurts this much (my pain-o-meter doesn’t always function properly so it’s seriously hard for me to tell the difference between ‘good’ pain and ‘bad’ pain).
Okay…so maybe I’m not weak. Maybe I just had surgery a week ago and they busted up my ankle pretty good (all in the name of healing). But it frustrates the hell out of me that I can’t take care of myself…and it’s even more frustrating that I’m dependant upon others. I often wish (in more ways that one) that I was one of those completely self-sufficient people…but they’re probably not even real. They’re probably just some urban mythical creature…heck, they might even ride unicorns.
Do you know that I always, always end up crying at the end of a Nanny 911 episode? Always.
Do you know that I really desperately need a haircut and a fashion make over? I can’t remember the last time I bought something that wasn’t on the sale rack. Heck, I can’t remember the last time I ventured into a dressing room without a little someone in tow. Men have NO IDEA how hard it is to make fashion decisions with a running commentary that sounds like this: “Mommy are you done yet? That’s pretty. And tomorrow when we go to see Nana… Mommy are you done yet? I need to go potty. I’m hungry. Can we go now? But I need a new toy Mommy. Can I get a cookie?”
I was watching a new show on Bravo about this woman who takes over a hair salon for a week. I can’t think of her name right now but she’s just fabulous! I love her. I think I want to be her when I grow up…
I’ve been feeling pretty tired lately. That’s to be expected I’m sure…but I’ve also just been feeling tired for words.
Today I spent a little time working. Tomorrow I hope to be able to spend a little time actually in the office…we just have to see how the leg holds up. Of course, I’d much rather be spending my “off the couch” time painting but not only does my boss need me (and we all love to be needed right?) I need the paycheck too.
I did do a little artwork today though. Me and my girl played with some modeling clay that she got for her birthday. I like it SO much better than Playdoh (though it’s all the same when you’re trying to scrape it off a jute rug). I’m not much of a sculptor but it was fun. I made the little fellow above. I’ve been working on this flying pig idea you see…
My husband makes a mean homebrewed beer. It’s so mean that he’s looking at making a business out of it (he’s already got a few vendors lined up). In order to put out a bottle of beer one has to have a mascot though. So, while we’re waiting on paperwork (and there’s a lot of paperwork) I’m working on a logo for him. We’re not exactly sure what the business’ name is going to be yet but he wants a flying pig. I’ve got this great sketch (which I’m not ready to share yet) in the works but I really need to be able to sit up at my desk for a while to finish it out. I’ve a few different ideas from taking it as a really clean graphics sorta look to a more antique finished design.
The whole idea has really got me thinking though….
“When Pigs Fly”.
That’s sorta how I feel about my art.
I know, I’m probably just discouraged and statically depressed from laying around for the past week (with another good week or two or three ahead of me of the same) but I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve put my art on hold for years now….getting married, having a baby, needing the income from my secular job….and my husband decides to make some homebrew and now is starting a business. Why isn’t it that easy for me? What stops me from persuing my dream? Why do I let these other things (albeit pretty darn important “other things”) stop me?
Oh, and of course…there’s been a whole bunch of other thoughts going around in my head lately too (maybe the Vicodin does make one think too much). I don’t feel like sharing any of it though… I just don’t feel like talking about much of anything these days except for mommy stuff. Isn’t she beautiful?
I’m not sure where she gets that impish look….
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