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I’ve been dealing with matters of the heart of late…but then what isn’t a matter of the heart? So many things are…
Which is better? A set of speakers
missing a power button, or wondering when
someone is going to come and
turn you on
by pressing plastic in, twisting
your torse to the left?
~Claire Donato
I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now. Gypsy-Heart inspired me here with her post and this quote from Picasso:
“Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.”
Over the years I started and stopped countless journals only to tear up and/or burn the pages full of ‘pathetic’ babble. Not until blogging did I ever consistently keep a written record of my musings. I could never seem to find the words before…or I was too afraid of what people would read into them. I still have that fear, I do. Yet, oddly enough, putting them out here for others to read (and yes, sometimes misinterpret) keeps me writing. What is that that they say about keeping art in a closet? If a tree falls in the forest…. :D
I too paint what I can’t find the words to say.
I primarily paint in watercolours. I love all mediums but this is still my chosen method of expression. I wish it was more forgiving at times but then the challenge keeps me on my toes. My worst habit is overworking a piece which is (of course) the most unforgivable sin in watercolour… It also happens to be on of my worst habits in life…overthinking. So, another of life’s lessons that I keep repeating over and over in my painting…learning when to take a step back and let things settle. I have a space on my wall where I can hang my small paintings as they’re in progress. Often my bleu horses will be done in sequence like this as I have to let the layers dry completely to avoid overbleeding. Sometimes they’ll hang there for a week or so before I realize that they’re already finished.
“Finished” can mean that they’re ready to be framed and hung on the wall. “Finished” can mean that I overworked it already and there’s nothing to be done but to scrap it (though if I used 300lb paper I can always use the other side (at least once)).
My palette doesn’t change much. I’ve tried moving colours around to match the charts…but I sorta like them just how they are. I’ll occasionally decide I’m done with an ‘alternate’ colour for a while and I’ll scrape it out of the well and add in something new to play with (that’s always fun) but the basics are my basics. And I absolutely have to have my two shades of yellow…no matter what. Yellow is my staple. It’s very hard for me to not use a yellow…
My mentor in watercolours had three palettes that she painted with, depending on what she was working on. One was full of bright colours (sorta like mine), one was full of earthy warm colours and another that was primarily full of greens. She did a lot of nature painting and had a whole rainbow of greens. I’m still not very comfortable with the colour green…it seems to work best for me when it’s a side product of one of my yellows or if I can throw in some violet. Not sure just why…but someday I’ll make peace with the greens.
It took a while to figure out the blues but I got there eventually too.
Seems like I’ve always been okay with the reds…
And I’m not sure if any of that has any significant value…but it might you know. It just might.
I did, I did, I did!
I finally committed enough to order my mat cutter!
This is really big!
I used to have a manual cutter of sorts but the straight edge for it got lost years ago in a move and I’m not so good at the freehand thing. I can justify this purchase with the fact that paying for the mat cutter itself is equal to having one painting framed at the shop. It’ll pay for itself in no time at all….as long as I DO something with my art. And I’ve got lots of experience matting and framing from the old days.
I have a deadline you see. Well, a deadline of sorts. If I don’t make it there’s always another meeting but I’m trying to get my art submission together for a local gallery before their next meeting (which happens to be occuring while I’m on vacation). I think my work would be a good fit for this particular gallery (and yes, I’ve been shopping around and yes, it’s subject to approval (which has nothing to do with my art really but rather the saleablility for this particular gallery)). I’m excited. Really. :)
So, it’s coming. My cutter and some mat board. I ordered colours just for my bleu horses as I’ve not got enough of my nudes to really promote them at this point. Maybe later. Maybe after I’ve cut my hours back at work and have more time to paint.
I was hoping to be able to go to massage school but it just doesn’t seem to be working out so I’m taking that as a sign (though I’m not sure I always believe in those) to pursue my art. I’ve got talent…I just need to believe in myself and make the space that I need to create. I’m one of those eccentric solitary types.
Life has been giving me a whole lotta curve balls of late but I’m trying my best to make the best of it all and keep moving forward. The alternative isn’t so great you know.
This does not in any way mean that I’m not at the bottom of the well…but it does mean that I’ve not given up. Even though I feel near it most of the time. Guess all that stubborness is coming in handy again.
I don’t know what the future holds but I’m pretty sure I need to follow my dreams even if my daily desires aren’t able to be fulfilled. And I’m pretty sure that the answer is less involved with fulfilling my needs than it is in helping others.
And my art is a way to bring shiny things to others…
And you have to work with what you got.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of putting off today for tomorrow.
I am tired of living my life from the outside.
I want to start living my life from the inside.
I want to have clear moments with my daughter and not be stressed and worn out from work.
I want to be fulfilled creatively from my art rather than creating drama in my life.
I want to stop judging my own desires as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and simply find ways to fulfill them.
I want to stop being afraid.
I want to stop doubting myself.
I want to reach for my dreams, my real dreams.
I want to be sure that I’m not just creating another dream to put in front of the ones that I’m really afraid of.
I couldn’t decide which I was more excited over, the Bed, Bath and Beyond flyer or the newest Dell catalog. (It’s been a while since anything that came in the mail made me feel excited.) I’m still not sure which I’m enjoying more…
The amazing Vera Wang Wedgwood that looks eerily similiar to my grandmother’s pattern that’s still sitting in a box in my attic (because I’m too afraid to use it) or the cool new girly flower designs that you can get on your laptop (nevermind that they come in pink these days!).
It’s a tough one…
….but I think I’m going with the china.
and so…
what if upon looking straight into the eye of the maelstrom
you only see you
and so…
what if after seeing you
you see you everywhere
what if…
you are the ocean
swallowing life
and giving life
and what if each person you see…
is just a wave upon the surface of your Self?
this is what I see
more and more clearly
there is never alone
for there is nowhere that I am not
you can reveal
the places that shine
without crossing
the sensual
with a push
pull
push
pull…
on the threshold
not that there is anything wrong with crossing..
but learning to dance along the line
one foot in front of the other
trusting
this step and
then
the next
dancing the dance that started long before the music
No one ever asks ‘why’ you dance….they ask you what ‘brought’ you to the dance.
I guess we all know ‘why’ already or we wouldn’t be there…
Well…maybe.
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