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6 year anniversary cake – 4 year old style, originally uploaded by _anjolie_.
Yep, it was six years yesterday. Hard to believe we’re still here. It’s been a toughie that’s fer sure…..
Hubby went out to round up some Chicken Lo Mein because I’ve had a hankering for it for a couple of weeks now (and of which seems to have given us a mild bout of food poisioning) while baby girl and I played with brightly coloured cookie dough (baby girl was up last night too but didn’t get sick – kudos to her for not eating the lo mein). After cookie number four she was getting tired out and I had a mix of colours (with a good amount of blue) left over. I was getting a bit burned out on the cookie art myself and so we made a tie-dyed six year anniversay cookie for dessert. (It really didn’t taste bad…just not really good.) Hmm, maybe it was the cookie not the lo mein. I’ve never gotten a fever from a cookie before though…and Em surely ate enough of the cookies. She had a whole butterfly to herself!
Okay, okay…so, “Canon in D” was actually the song that I walked down the aisle to but this was our unofficial wedding song and we not only played it at the reception but quoted it on our ceremony program. It’s our song, that my husband ‘gave’ to me.
We’ve had some more than rocky moments I’m tellin’ ya….we’ve had a lotta pain. He really is the greatest fan of my life though (to quote another Edwin song) and he’s been sticking with me through our personal and collective fears. We’ve overcome a few big ones of late and I’m mighty proud of him.
- That my husband finds work soon.
- That we make the right decision on where to accept said employment.
- That we don’t make the decision to not move just because I’m afraid but take all things into consideration.
- That we find a way to clearly communicate about this without arguing.
- That it becomes clear to me if now is the time to go back to school (it seems as if the Universe is against it but then it may just be making me prove my intent).
- That the insurance for whatever job he gets kicks in quickly so that I can the needed surgery on my ankle.
It’s a small town that they want us to move to. About 3,500 people in the town itself and 5,000 in the whole county. It’s the third largest county in Oregon. It’s a three hour drive to ANYWHERE from there. There’s no tango but more importantly, there’s no massage school. Sure, the money would be great – I wouldn’t have to work; I’d have time to paint again and maybe write a book or two (still working on those ideas) but then it’s not like our marriage has been stellar lately and just four weeks ago the agreement was for me to go back to school so that I’d be better able to support myself when we separated. This seems to really circumvent that whole series of events, let alone I’d be in a pretty isolated area. I’m not quite the cowgirl I used to be but the idea of having a horse or two again is tempting. It’d be such a change though. Such a drastic change. I don’t handle drastic changes all that well (even if I do have a love for the dramatic).
He might be getting a job offer up in the BIG CITY again. It’d be back to that darn commute though. It takes up so much of his day that there’s precious little left for us and what is left goes to our daughter. I’m not opposed to us staying married if things continue to improve (things have strangely improved since we agreed to separate) but I don’t see where spending four hours on the road is going to help that. Maybe the pay increase would be enough that we could move further north IF we could get the house sold (we are in a declining market as most of the country is) or maybe we could wait until next year, which would allow for my schooling to get completed. I’ve got to get it started first though…
*sighs*
We’ve managed a way to make the coming mortgage payment. That’s a relief.
I’m still playing the whole daycare arrangement by ear.
Thankfully my boss is keeping my job for me at this point.
Today I did a less than stellar job handling all of this when it came up as I was trying to dash out the door to work. I’ve since apologized…
I really need to get some needed ’stress relief’ attention. Dancing on my aching ankle isn’t cutting it anymore. I’ll add that to my prayer request above.
I know it will all be okay in the end.
It’s always okay in the end.
“This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath”
“No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again”
Note: This is my little girl’s very favorite Regina song. It always gets her giggling….
and Goddess will dance alone if she has to
with blue light of the moon reflecting
off of the snow outside
to light the room
and casting Her shadow against the wall
she breathes
what do I want from you?
only everything
only God
i want to feel my Goddess
i want to feel Her rise
like when I am dancing
I watch the profile of my face
and the outline of a strand of my hair that falls forward
as I take one ocho
and then the next
it is My music i hear
not a tango
not a waltz
I still feel the brush of your heart
so warm
and i feel my own rise up to meet it
as if there is no such thing as a single heart beating solitary
my legs swing to and fro
each step touched by the tango
it has become infectious
even in the very way that i walk
i asked again tonight if he might not dance with me…
and the answer was just a look
a look that held a thousand and one ‘no’s’
so I dance alone
in the sunroom
in the moonlight
my own light threatening to outshine them all…
and in the center I hold onto the Him inside of me
and He directs each step
and She decides how take it
the Self cries out for the Self
even knowing that in the end All is the same
even knowing that Nothing can be done or undone to hurry along
the inevitability of the rejoining
the Self still cries out for the Self
that doesn’t remember
that chooses to suffer
that can not see the Truth
And it’s a whole lot easier than the task of re-structuring our living arrangements here at home. (My ever so subtle way of saying that my husband has asked for a divorce.)
So, to save myself $4.95 a month and make it a bit easier to start compiling my writings for my book….here we are.
"The lake is frozen over
trees are white with snow….
and all around reminders of you
are everywhere I go…."
I put my white dress away today. It needed ironing first. As I ran the iron over the soft cotton I saw the stains from the clay of the cornfield. I saw the red spatters from the angels. I felt the sun on my shoulders and in my hair.
Perhaps that is what makes this time of the year so hard. The remembering…
lyrics: Sarah McLachlan "Wintersong"
That I want to dance every night?
No, don’t go telling me that this is some phase that I’ll get over…..’cause that’s not gonna happen.
I can tell these things.
…do you think he might dance with me again?
It was only a few steps and a turn and yes, perhaps it was done in jest…
But still…
I find myself standing at the sink tearing apart a chicken to boil down into its parts…
Holding back the tears because…
I just want to roll back the carpet,
slip on my shoes,
and dance some more.
Do you think…
If I rolled back the carpet and wore my polka-dot dress….
?
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