I’ve been thinking a lot lately on something someone rather wise told me.  He said that where there was complete understanding there would be no need for forgiveness.  I’ve been mulling this one over and this is what I’ve found, so far….

In every instance in which I’ve had a hard time forgiving, or in which I am still currently stuck on not being able to forgive (or being able to forgive completely), I realize that I do not completely understand:  the situation; the other persons motives; my own motives; or the past history of any of the parties (including myself) in which something hurtful/harmful has occured or in which a mistake was made.  And furthermore, within the constructs of my most personal relationship [my marriage], as my understanding of my partner and his history has grown, I have found forgiveness and compassion where I thought there was no chance of finding it. 

This does not mean that I am suddenly able to trust.

No, forgiveness does not mean that we suddenly embrace the person who hurt us.  It could very well be that this person is going to continue their hurtful behavior.  They could be abusive even.  Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you’re a doormat or going to stay with them.  That’s not a healthy way to live.  But forgiveness allows us to heal.  It allows us to see clearly again, past our hurt and brings us into the present and from here we can make choices based on what our particular set of circumstances presents us with.

In my world I am paying close attention to both myself and the other, whomever that may be in any situation.  If I am angry, I check in to see just what it is that I am angry about.  It’s usually quite justifiable and can often be rectified by simply setting boundaries for myself and others.  If someone does something that is hurtful, I try my best to figure out just where they were coming from.  Sometimes that can be a very challenging thing to do.  Sometimes I find that where they are coming from looks nothing like my universe at all.  Often times I find that even though they may be totally wrong about something, if I saw the world through the same glasses as they did I’d probably be doing the same thing that they’re doing.  It’s quite amazing really…and when I can understand where they’re at I suddenly no longer even feel the need to forgive.  I understand, and it really is as simple as that. 

That doesn’t mean I’ll continue to subject myself to “xyz” but it has, every time, made a noteable shift in how I feel about whatever happened.

What about those times when we can’t find understanding though?  When there’s not enough history or the person has shut the door and there’s no more dialog, no way to find out where they were coming from and all you can do is guess…but not ever really know?

I don’t have a quick and easy answer to that.  All I’ve been able to do in those situations is just dig down deep inside myself to fully understand my own hurt…and then take the steps to find closure and healing for myself.  After all, our best chance at fully understanding anyone is in understanding our own selves first, the good, the bad and the not so pretty.

P.S.  This sorta leads me into a ramble about compassion but I’ll save that for another time…

did you ever feel further and further away from someone
no matter how often you talked
and you’re just not in the same place anymore
and the connection begins to fail
and you want to save something
but you really don’t
because it’s just not you anymore
or mabye you’ve become too jaded
not wanting to feel anything that felt like anything before
but no, really…
you’re just not that same person
and the conversations that you try to expound on keep coming back
all circle-ish
and you wonder if it’ll ever be the same again
though of course you know it won’t
and you wonder about the connections you let go before
and what they could be like now
if only…
all the while finding a new balance point
somewhere deep inside

i’m dancing better than ever before…
maybe that has something to do with hopping around on one foot for so long.

I wonder if…

…it takes more trust than courage to lay bare your ugly secrets.

Perhaps it depends on just what those secrets are…
And perhaps who you’ve been hiding them from…
And what the cost is of being found out…

Of course, one could just not do things that one has to hide…

But when you’re looking backward it’s always so much clearer isn’t it?

Here’s hoping that my ugly isn’t ‘over the limit’…
And here’s to not hiding anymore…

Today my little girl is making her Christmas list for Santa.  I have one too.

I want:

People that don’t go away.
People that know how to play.
The time to spend with the people who don’t go away and know how to play.
Time to spend by myself painting pictures that the people who don’t go away and know how to play inspire me to paint.
People that understand I need to go away to paint.
People who are happy to see me when I return.
People who are okay with me being me.
People I don’t have to chase (because I’m tired of chasing).
People I don’t have to hide from.
People that I can touch.
People that love me for being me…
…and people that let me love them in return.

small oil pastel
painted during “silence” at the women’s retreat

Really.
Though it does explain all those Star Trek fantasies…
You know, the kind where you make Mr. Spock laugh…
And you get Commander Data to fall in love with you.
After all…you’re special remember?
Aerodynamic even…
But frogs can’t fly.
Not really.

And it’s always a mess when you cut Samson’s hair.

“But she tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair,
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah!”

~L.C.

Hello 31…it’s gonna be a better year, I promise.

talks on combining tango and salsa leads to:
universal oneness
center
dancing
i love african music
(did you know that latin rythyms originated out of africa?)
youtube
vistas
nature’s song
elephants
how fast do they go?
do they run?
really?
who knew?
reading mechanical digests
thinking about that chapter in science class that covered the workings of a diesel engine
remembers when diesel was cheaper than unleaded
remembers when unleaded was under a buck a gallon
thinks that with the price of hay being what it is it still might be cheaper to drive
which doesn’t really make me miss my horses any less
but there’s a bleu on on the table…
and tango doesn’t have to include the brass band
especially as the night goes on

there was so much music
and laughter
and tears

there was so much love
or so it seemed as if
but i’m not so certain anymore

there was quiet and stillness and offerings
and large white elephants in the rooms
and beautiful white sandy beaches
and small star-shaped flowers
in my hair

there was music
so much music
but the notes are all fading now
and turning sour

i don’t want to hear the notes fall
i’d rather just forget
but if i have to remember
i only want to remember

the music

i feel as if i’m bleeding out
lifesblood but
in small enough in cre ments
that it’s manage  able
perhaps it’s cleansing
toxins from old wounds that only
fresh blood can cleanse

still
the silence feels
threat en ing
even with its teeth disarmed

i keep my little black dog on
his leash

Ever feel written upon?
Ever feel like each word, glance, touch…
left a mark that will never go away?
Oh, it may fade….
like the marks on the bottoms of my tango shoes….
but they never really go away.
They just get layered upon.
And if one keeps moving, keeps breathing with each step….
You’ll see within,
layer over each layer…
what was there from the very first step.

And it is beautiful.

(Related through current events and inspired by the one and Ony.)

diferente_2392, originally uploaded by _anjolie_.

That I want to dance every night?

No, don’t go telling me that this is some phase that I’ll get over…..’cause that’s not gonna happen.

I can tell these things.