And the path narrows…

“As a man’s real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower:  until at last he chooses nothing, but does only and wholly what he must do.”

From a Wizard of Earthsea
by Ursula Le Guin

pieces that at this particular hour in this particular moment…

“he did not take them away from you
you did not pass them over
those pieces are just drifting
since you dissolved
not part of your current form
therefore you are longing for dissolution
and a lead to make you whole again

but maybe you are looking for past “shapes”
that have been torn
like an evening dress
that seems like an fancy dress looking backward
and you cannot quite believe
that it is possible to be in good shape”

It’s true…sometimes I wonder just how I am in the shape I am at all….

“You are more powerful that what happened to you…”

I sought out therapy when I was nineteen.  That would be about twelve years ago now.  Twelve years of therapy, off and on.  Some of that with really wonderful therapists, some of that with a really not-so-good therapist.  I’d rather not even think about the amount of money I’ve spent on therapy. I could probably have that college degree that’s always seemed financially out of reach…

Twelve years and I thought I was over this stuff.  I thought that what I was dealing with was something deeper, something unrelated.  Hah!

My husband has been going to counseling with me for a few months now.  It’s been a lot of hard work and hard issues we’ve both had to face.  I am so proud of him for sticking with it.  It’s not fun to have a mirror pointed in your face…let alone having to look at the scary stuff you worked so hard to lock away.

Now that I’m starting to believe in him (and us) again I’m finding that ‘my stuff’ is still very much there.  The safer I feel in my relationship with him, the more I’m feeling triggered and anxious.  I’ve been watching myself, trying to figure this out…but life has a way of keeping one so busy that there isn’t always a lot of time to sit and ponder.

Then our therapist gave us a video to watch, Healing Sex, an accompaniment to Statci Haines book-that-I-haven’t-read-yet The Survivor’s Guide to Sex.  She is an innovator in the field of Somatics specializing in working with trauma. This video is simply astonishing.  I’ve never seen or read anything that was this empowering for a survivor of sexual abuse.  It acknowledges what happened and ALL of the sensations around what happened and shows you the way back to living your life, making your choices, having your freedom…

And I was dumbfounded to realize that it’s still all of that ’stuff’ that’s running my outside (and even more so my intimate) life.

If you’re a survivor or know a survivor I urge you to take a look at something different.

My thoughts exactly….

“There is something deeply gratifying about joining the horses in their pasture a few minutes before the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Eve.  What makes the night so exceptional, in their eyes and mine, is my presence amoung them, not the lapsing of an old year.

“It’s worth standing out in the snow just to savor the anticlimax of midnight, just to acknowledge that out of the tens of millions of species on this planet, only one bothers to celebrate not the passing of time, but the way it has chosen to mark the passing of time. …

“I always wonder what it would be like to belong to a species – just for a while – that isn’t so busy indexing its life, that lives wholly within the single long strand of its being.  I will never have even an idea of what that’s like.

“I know because when I stand amoung the horses tonight, I will feel a change once midnight has come.  Some need will have vanished, and I will walk back to the house – lights burning, smoke coming from the wood stove – as if something had been accomplished, some episode closed.”

~Verlyn Klinkenborg
The New York Times, 12/31/2007

Heart Virtues and Stuff….

I am currently reading: Living from the Heart

It’s a bit esoteric (which is not to say that I disagree but just that some of it might be a bit “out there” and I’m struggling with being a cynic these days so I’m letting all the bits that don’t pertain directly to using the six virtues of the heart as a meditation just sit for now).  It sorta goes along with that quatum physics line of thought doesn’t it?  The Holographic Universe and all that…  Which sorta matches up with that internal feeling I’ve always had about everything being connected…

But for now, the six virtues of the heart:

• Appreciation
• Compassion
• Forgiveness
• Humility
• Understanding
• Valor

(I know, “ACFHUV” isn’t much of an acronym but they’re supposed to be addressed in this order.) ;)

Perhaps this is the key.  I’ve been sorta moving my thoughts around this way already, just not so clearly defined.  I’ve not felt like writing much about any of it (I’ve been sorting a lot internally) but this article makes sense to me.

Perhaps the transcendental meditation just wasn’t right for me or perhaps I’d heard the mantra wrong or perhaps it was the ‘relationship-that-I-shouldn’t-have-had’ with the man who taught it to me or perhaps it was just the circumstances and events that were unfolding around that relationship during the time I learned the meditation.  At any rate, I’m not saying that TM isn’t a wonderful practice but bottom line is that it isn’t ‘right’ for me now or anymore or perhaps ever.

“Living from the Heart” though…I could get down with this.

If you dig the esoteric stuff the parent website for the article is here at eventtemples.com.  They’ve also got some other e-books available for download.  I’ve only lightly browsed my way through so I’m not advocating anything.  It is interesting stuff though…

And it’s all about making a difference…

Genius

So, I upgraded my iTunes upon the suggestion of a friend.  I don’t usually do things like that, upgrading makes me extremely nervous.  I’m still sort of waiting to see what might go wrong (so far I had to reinstall my audio driver) BUT it was worth the risk.  iTunes8 has this cool Genius option that comes up with other songs that you might like based upon what you have in your existing library.  Pretty cool eh?  Well, it’s all about giving my ADD things to do while I’m stranded on the couch so I think it’s pretty cool.   Anyways, I stumbled upon Amos Lee, who I might not have found any other way and I am falling in love with his music.  I’m posting this particular vid because I can really resonate with the interview (as I’m sure all artists/musicians can) and I often feel this way about water…

prescents

i am lost

my orientation has slipped out of my fingers
my senses are sharpened in reflex
at times
breathing can be overwhelming
but yet i search
for the red scent

to begin i felt the space
before i could even acknowledge it
before it was even truly there
i felt the space
and then came the “why?” and “what reason for”?
and i began to miss the scent
and i got angry, very angry
did the scent led me astray?
did it lead me to this place?
have i been left alone
like a child in a forest
or did i loosed my hold on the red rope
myself?
does it even matter?
because i am

lost
standing here, looking around
listening if someone is listening to my breath
sharing the moment
understanding
with
me
hearing my song

“sometimes there is a feeling
as if a scent loneliness even makes worth
the presence that enforces “absense”
solitude”

and there are only the breaths that we take…

even if
they are sometimes pure
without any scent
abscents
all the prescents are there
of a happy heart

and once my heart was held between his palms
and i thought that this man might hold it safe forever…

Finding Happiness

I asked him if there was anything I could do to give him some happy.

He replied, “Find your happiness.”

I know, I know, I know…

I just gotta’ quit looking ‘out there’.

He sent me ducks…

Oh, the things that make me happy!

Thank you.

I’ll shine for you…

I shouldn’t stay away so long. 
I didn’t even leave a trace.
But once again she gave me something to hold onto.
Unbeknowst to herself.
And I thought you all might get a little happy thought from this too.

(Thank you Ony.)